THE IRON TANK INTERVIEW
Maci Gian
Q: Hi! Thank you so much again for agreeing to this, I appreciate it—I really do! How long have you been a part of Iron Tank?
A: A long time. I have been supporting Colonel Von Pushup’s goal of destroying ze other puny teams for years.
Q: Is the training as tough as people claim it is?
A: Very. Our training starts ze moment ve vake up. Ve scale ze mountains, ve tear down trees, drag zem back to our stadium, und turn zem into dummies to practice our football. Ve vill train all night until our Colonel has pushed us past our limit. If ve cannot handle it, ve are out.
Q: What do you feel is the hardest part about being in Iron Tank? Is there any part of your training you find especially challenging?
A: Our Colonel makes sure each day’s training is harder zen ze last. In Iron Tank, ve can’t have ‘easy’ days, zat is vhat makes us veak.
Q: Speaking of your Colonel, is there anything he does behind the scenes that fans might not know about?
A: Zat is classified information.
Q: Let’s do something more public, then. Iron Tank is known for being quite difficult reach. The Fortress is in a dangerous location, and with your constant training, it is rather tricky to find time for an interview. How do you feel when it comes to interacting with fans or the media?
A: Ve do not care for interviews, zey are a distraction. If ze reporters come to ze Fortress, we give quick answers.
Q: How do you prepare for a game?
A: Ve train. Vhatever orders our Colonel gives, ve follow.
Q: And what do you do after a game?
A: Ve train more. No rest.
Q: Okay, but what about you, though?
A: Vhat do you mean?
Q: You—I want to know what you do.
A: I am telling you.
Q: Yes, I mean—yeah, I guess, but you’re telling me about what Iron Tank does, and while I do like hearing about them, I wanted to specifically interview you because—well, it’s you. I want to hear what Einzeller does—
A: Vhy did you call me that?
Q: What?
A: Vhy did you call me that.
Q: Isn’t—isn’t that your name?
A: No.
Q: What?
A: Zat’s not my name.
Q: Then what is your name?
A: Konrad.
Q: Oh. Oh, uhm—oh. I’m sorry, Konrad. I didn’t know, I heard your captain call you that and—and y’know…
Q: Uhm—uh, is there…
Q: Do you have any questions for me? Any—anything else you’d like to say?
A: You are ze journalist.
Q: Right, right—yeah, that’s right. I’ve got, uh, that’s really all there is from me. Thanks for—thank you for your time, Konrad. This concludes the interview.